Clean Dry & Intact

It's 6am, and I can't sleep. The life of a night shift nurse! I slept until 6 pm last night and then went back to bed at 130 am. You know that you work nights when you become obsessed with the number of hours and when you sleep and are awake. Hmmm.. still love nights, though. They haven't converted me yet!
So I've started letting my dog into my bed with me at night. The cold and rain are coming back (so now we're committed), and he feels like a hot water bottle. He's so snuggly, plus he doesn't snore!
My "lunch" date with the guy I talked about in my previous posting actually turned into a dinner thing, 2 weeks later. It was pleasant.. and fortunately, I looked pretty yummy, in my opinion. No dice on the getting back together part, though. Not that we discussed anything near that realm, but ya know... no more living in the past. I need to move on, seriously. He wasn't even that great of a boyfriend. Sigh.. he REALLY wasn't. I don't want to think about it anymore. I need to un-stuck myself. Gawd. I sound like freakin' Dr. Phil. Sheesh.
What's on the agenda for the next 3 days/nights? Shopping, reading up on Italy, playing with the dog, going to my new friend's going away party, cleaning, and reigniting my passion for other people's blogs. Ar.

First night off after a string of 3 on. Yay! Tonight I am meeting some gal pals for a quick drink and then heading off to the movies to see "Little Miss Sunshine".
I went to the beach last weekend with a gal pal. Was sooo fun. Started off really cold but the rest of the trip was good. That's the OR coast for ya- people will risk frostbite to go jump in the freezing water! I had my bathing suit on underneath but when I got to the beach, I wanted an overcoat on over my clothes, which I never took off. Haha.
Talked to a relative tonight. The usual- get married, have a baby, do you have a boyfriend? go to church. Ah well. At least I am loved.
This entry is just a bunch of rambles. I have no idea where I'm going with any of this. I should dry my hair, finish my cafe, and sca-daddle.
Ciao!

I just love that little monkey nurse on my blog page! She is so damn cute!!
Anyway I'm about to head out to work in about 20 minutes, the first in a stretch of 2. Not bad. Then I have two off and then work another two. This morning my workout plans did not work out. I had hoped to wake up at 0800, go to step class at 0900, take Ralph to dog playgroup at 1100, and then come home and nap until this afternoon. UGH. I basically was unable to do any of those things and instead struggled to nap the entire day. And it's so freakin' hot outside! Ninety something, I think. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but when is the rain coming? Those are my favorite mornings to sleep in for work- nice, cloudy, gloomy, cool, and rainy. Perfect for falling asleep during the day. A night shift worker's dream of a morning.

I'm lucky that I love my co-workers. That really makes or breaks your work environment. I'm hoping tonight is sane but busy enough that I don't feel like falling asleep on my feet. I should add an extra shift for next weekend but don't want to. I really just want those 5 days off to spend time with the dog, get my hair done, buy more scrubs, exercise, and get ready for my beach trip on the 28th.
Someone from my past contacted me- someone that I'd been expecting never to hear from again. I was so happy that I almost teared up. We're supposed to get together for lunch. I was starting to be so in love with this person when things ended. I don't want to hope for anything, but currently I am feeling very happy because of his recent contact. :)

Sometimes I think that I'm in love with the idea of being a nurse rather actually being in love with my job. Somedays I feel really grateful for my job and my awesome nurse colleagues. Usually when I feel down, I haven't slept enough, eaten well, was pressed for time in getting to work, or feel slammed with the actual work. Here I am, having been a nurse for 1 year, and now I've started thinking about what's beyond bedside nursing. In nursing, there are just TOO many options! I could go back to school and study nurse anesthesia, go into legal consulting (and maybe even law school!), do travel nursing making the big bucks, go further into cardiac nursing, do emergency nursing, or be a case manager. These options don't even sum up even half of the options that I have in my future! It's so vast, it overwhelms me. I know that I don't want to do bedside nursing when I'm in 50s and 60s. I don't want to work night shift for much longer (maybe a couple more years, at the most). I do want to make money. Is it wrong for a nurse to want to make money? I mean, I think we are underpaid as a profession, for the responsibilities that we carry. I don't think that it's wrong of me AT ALL to weigh in financial aspects of career choices in nursing when planning my future.
Someday I'd like to have a "normal" M-F 8-6 regular schedule with no holidays and no (or few) weekends. Sigh. Someday I'd like to be able to go to work and wear nice clothes and not pajamas.
I love nursing. Nursing is an incredibly honorable profession. Right up there with firefighters, teachers, social workers, and other social servants who are underpaid but without whom society could not deal.

UGH. What a crap-filled day, literally and figuratively. I had to give a poor lil ole lady Kayexalate last night. You nurses know what THAT means!!! UGH. Anyway I ran (literally) my ass off all night. And I had cramps and hadn't slept very well. It all made for a wonderful and glorious night. I cried twice. I'm a crier, as most of my friends know. I cry during the usual, you know, like when I'm sad but also when I feel exhausted, really angry, pulled in different directions (otherwise known as stressed, also known as being a nurse), and premenstrual. I am really a well disguised as a woman. I'm not the only nurse who's cried on our floor, anyway, plus working nights makes one more prone to crying on the job. Not sure why, but that is my theory. Maybe cuz most weird things happen at night. I dunno really.

Here's a picture of, not my dog, but one who looks almost exactly like my dog. Hail the schnoodle!

http://www.valleyviewdogs.com/images/schnoodles/Toy-Schnoodle-Alley-10.jpg

We had a code this morning around 0600, and she died. She was a bone marrow transplant patient who had developed congestive heart failure (the reason why she was on our floor). This was my second code as a nurse and this time, thankfully, it was not my patient. The rush of adrenaline is overwhelming, almost makes you nauseous. Not to sound cheesy, but our floor really kicks ass. Maybe it's cuz we're the telemetry stepdown unit or maybe it's cuz we have a manager with OCD who pushes us to our limits (which is a good thing, I've come to painfully realize), but when the shit hits the fan, we totally rock. We had a debriefing during a.m. report about the code. There were a lot of new grad RNs on tonight. I'm no way an experienced nurse either, with only 1 year under my belt and just a few months of tele nursing. When nurses work together in a crisis, it really (ok this is REALLY going to sound cheesy but shut up) is like a symphony. Shit I can't believe that I said that. She's dead, though, and it feels weird to talk about the nurses perspective through all this but what else can you do when you've only been through 2 codes and you still like pissing in your pants when you hear that code alarm go off?
We got a lot started before the code team even hit the floor, which took approx 5 minutes. The patient's nurse said that he'd just talked with her about 20 minutes before she crashed, and she'd slept well and felt well. Scary that a person can just literally drop dead like that. I saw the family this morning by the room and felt shitty for them. There were two of them there, a husband and some woman, maybe a sister, who was crying as she was holding onto her rollaway luggage. There is no rhyme or reason to death. I am going into zombie-mode now so need to collapse into bed- get ready for another night tonight.

Okay so I am a huge movie buff and think everyone should run not walk to see the following DVDs/movies, which I have just recently discovered. Yes most of these are "old" but so what? they're some of the best! Plus I'm not too interested in spending money to see current modern masterpieces ie., "you me and dupree":

citizen kane

serpico

this is spinal tap

new york doll

broadcast news

rosemary's baby (but read the book first. of course.)

xmen 3 (okay- not my usual genre but I REALLY enjoyed this!!!)

Okay so I really think that I need to add photos to my blog. My dog is WAY too cute to not be shown! He's currently at home, sleeping, hopefully. I think that's what he does when I'm at work at night. Yesterday we went to obedience class and then to a dog playgroup at his doggie daycare. He ran around like a maniac. Oh and we ALSO went for a hour hike before I got ready for work. So yeah he should be plenty worn out.

I have to say that I LOOOVE night shift and I LOVE being a night shift nurse! My former co-worker recently graduated, though, and is now working in the ER at a different hospital- an 1100-2300 shift. Kickass! I would kill for those hours! You get to sleep in but you still get to bed at a sort-of reasonable nighttime hour. Ah well. They don't offer that shift at the hospital where I work.

So my best friend from TX is starting her prereqs in nursing. Takes me back! Wow! I can't believe that it's actually over and that I've been an RN for a year. I was thinking this past week how much I miss nursing school- coming to the library in the mornings and seeing everyone's pale tired faces, having woke up at the crack of dawn to study, drop the kids off at daycare, or just to get away to a quiet place to finish a term paper or whatever. UGH. Those winter mornings having to get up at 0400 were BRUTAL. But I miss my classmates so much. I miss the camaraderie, the fun and noise we'd make in the library (our library was NOT your typical school library), our crazy but wise librarian Bruce, bitching about careplans, going to that Mexican place for a bowl of booze after finals were over, and passing notes in boring nrsing management class. Even though I was SUPER poor and actually went hungry a few times, was constantly exhausted and stressed out, terrified of my preceptors during clinicals, and didn't always agree with the school's policies, those 2 years of nursing school were some of the happiest two years of my life. Does that sound pathetic? Oh well!

http://money.cnn.com/2006/07/26/news/economy/prestigious_professions/index.htm?section=money_latest

This summer is kind of weird so far. I feel like all I've been doing is working and sleeping! I haven't even been to the coast yet. Hopefully, that will change next month. So weird. I have been to a barbecue,though, a pig roast. Thank god for pig roasts.
It's hot as hell here. I'm in my scrubs, about to get ready to leave for work. So it's on tonight and then 3 nights off. Whew. I deserve it. This month's schedule has been very sporadic with the days off. Not my finest work, in terms of schedule planning.
So I'm moving to NY in the spring, aiming for April. I thought I'd wait until Sept or Oct after A's wedding, but then I realized that I was using that as an excuse to put it off because I am afraid of relocating by myself. I need to just do it and be brave. I have to do it or I'll regret it forever, and the longer I wait, the more difficult it will be.
I feel like everyone is moving on with his/her life, and I need to do the same. I don't want to look back and think that I didn't do something because I was afraid or too comfortable to make a change. I know that NY is where I want to live, and I don't want to be in Portland anymore. I really like Portland. It's been good to me, but I wasn't meant to settle here for life, and I still don't feel like an "ORegonian". Actually, my cousin called me that once, and I completely didn't get it. I just don't need to be here any longer. I'm not outdoorsy, "green", patient, or a tree-hugger.. or a duck. I don't feel compelled to go camping every other week or to climb any mountains. I don't have a bike, either. I like crowds, fashion, wearing makeup, dressing up, art, public transit, directness, a fast pace, and diversity. I also like anonymity, to a degree. I do want to feel like part of something bigger than me, though. I'm not an island, but I don't want to be tied down to something that makes me feel trapped or disingenuious. I'm really rambling now...

Goals for this week:

Potso Park with Ralph
Powell's
Spanish
Fox tower
Work out everyday that I am off
Call dad and Grandma
Read my Italy tourbook

It's fucking raining? Are you fucking kidding me? It's like 100 degrees outside and when I took my dog out, I felt raindrops. WTF???

I'm off tomorrow and most of the day Sunday. Have no idea what I am going to do. Tonight we all went out for sushi and then Ash and I sat around my place and chatted for a bit before she took off. I wish we weren't all so spread out. Well A is leaving next month! So I won't have anymore friends in the neighborhood. I really am the only one left in Portland. Hah. Ash is moving to AZ like next week. Next week??? WTF??? Still can't believe it. Everyone is growing up, getting married, and moving. So sad. I feel like the dad in The Fiddler on the Roof. Haha!! Sunrise Sunset, dammit! Sunrise Sunset la la la!

I dumped B FINALLY last week. Liberation, you are mine! We broke up, got back "together" whatever but it was over for me when he told me that his ex was going to drive up to "spend the day" with him. EXCUSE ME???? WHAT???? I thought that you were becoming MY boyfriend?? I mean, really. Who does that?? Spend an entire day with their ex for their belated birthday, when they are already in a new relationship? You just don't do that shit. Not on my time. Not with me. You just don't mess with my heart like that. So yeah I dumped him and I LOVE the fact that I did and don't feel sad-- just happy to be single again and not in some F-up "relationship", short as it was. Oh man. Time to just be good to myself and not have a guy as a stressor in my life, for once.

I have tons to be thankful for: my health, job, dog, great gams (haha), fabulous hair, loving family, great girlfriends, a running car (knock on wood), a cute apartment, a rewarding (sometimes) career that is meaningful and isn't just pushing paper all day, uhm.... yes, many many things.

So tomorrow-
Study my Spanish and do homework
Talk a reallyyyyy long walk with Ralph
Grocery shop.
cook the salmon
Open my mail.
Balance checkbook.
Call my dad.
Call my grandma.
Read some Ekg stuff. I spent enough money on that book, might as well use it.

I have to say that I really like working the night shift. I think that I've adjusted pretty well to it. It does take a special type of person to be able to work these types of hours, especially in a hospital. No, patients definitely DO NOT sleep all night like most people would think. Like my last shift this past Thur night, I ran my ass off. I had one patient who was on a PCA, heparin and insulin drips, TPN, IV fluids with antiobiotics, and IV metropolol push every four hours, along with having funky rhythms. One of my other patients, an older lady, was in pain, screaming and moaning ALL night. I gave her pain meds, repositioned her every two hours (she had a gnarly stage II ulcer), and had to deal with her INSANELY demanding and anxious daughter, who, thankfully, left after a few hours of getting in my way and basically annoying the shit out of everyone. This patient was VRE and C. diff positive and required contact isolation precautions, which always takes extra time. UGH. This is not a life. I don't know how much longer this woman can go on like this. Her toes have been amputated, so she basically has stumps down there. Her daughter, I think, is in denial of the fact that her mother is probably not going to get better.
Anyway I was busy up until the very end of my shift and ended up leaving at 0800, a half hour later. So yeah the myth of the 12 hr shift is a myth. It's always a 13-13.5 hour-shift that we actually work.
I'd like to move on to the ICU next Fall. I want to move after A's wedding, which will be in Sept, and I am thinking that I will be sending out resumes to New York hospitals this upcoming Spring to try and get into an ICU internship there. I want to learn as much possible during my year of telemetry nursing here. It's all so scary still. I mean, these people's hearts are F*** up! A lot of people have said that to me, that they wouldn't want to work tele because it's too scary- the possibility of these people's hearts just stopping. I'm thinking that this can happen on any floor but I guess, given our specialty, chances are slightly higher on our floor. Maybe. I don't know. I've seen some F*** up stuff on the neuro, transplant, and general med floors, too. Oh man! Being a bedside nurse is so hard sometimes! I mean, besides all the actual nursing skills and knowledge that you have to excel in, you are constantly working to cover your ass, too, because people are sue-happy-- or they like to complain about every little thing to the higher-ups. That fear drives me to document the hell out of my night, no matter how busy I am! Do NOT EVER TRUST THE PATIENT OR THE FAMILY, no matter how "nice" they are, no matter how well you all seem to be getting along.
I could quit and work a desk job. Get a nice cushy job at a bank, go back to school and get another degree, like in business or accounting, and just sit at a desk all day, not have to deal with screamers and interns and legalities. Shit. That's not even one eighth of the stressors that we have to deal with as nurses. It's like war sometimes. Haha. I guess no matter how much I bitch about work, I really love being a damn nurse, dammit. Haha. Shit. It's so hard sometimes, though.

A funny thing happened. I was asked to be maid of honor by 2 people-- within 12 hours of each other! Haha. I thought it was incredibly ironic and wonderful, too. I just think it's really funny because I have never even been a bridesmaid before and now, here I am, being asked to be the bride of honor twice in less than a day. Heehee. I'm excited for both women. It makes me very happy for some reason, not that flicker of envy you always see women getting in the movies and TV shows. I think that's so weird. Actually, for some reason, it makes me even more optimistic about my own future. It's a happy day, all around. Today, I'm going hiking with my dog, run some errands, go to Spanish class, and then have a nice dinner at Basta's, my favorite Italian restaurant.
Okay, so I've only been there twice-- but it has some bittersweet memories attached to it.

So this year is all about studying, working hard, saving money, and preparing to move to NYC next year. I'm more determined than ever to do travel nursing-- or to just move to NY, on my own, whatever. AFter hearing of my friends' engagement and being asked to be maid of honor for both of them, the desire to move to NY is just more intense now. I know that staying here would be like settling for me and not my path (that sounds so fucking corny- haha!!). Whatever... anyway- I'm in a great mood this afternoon!

I think it's really hilarious when people complain about all the headaches of living in a "big city" like Portland. Give me a break. Portland is very liveable and a lot cheaper than other cities. Although I consider Portland to be pretty provincial in a lot of ways, I guess to a lot of people, it's too big, expensive, and stressful to live here. Well, that's Oregon for ya.

I have to take my dog outside now and take a walk around my big scary block in my big scary stressful noisy neighborhood.

Yes, I know- I LOVE lists:

1. Knowing that I can handle vomit, blood, guts, shit, "crazy" people, dead bodies, mutilated body parts, crying screaming people, etc.. when most "civilians" would book it the other way.

2. Amazing people who don't work in healthcare with stories from work and seeing the big O form around their mouths.

3. Having a patient say "thank you for taking care of me", right when you're feeling like no one appreciates how you've been running your ass all night.

4. Knowing that I can go live in Australia, England, Canada, or any state in the country and always keep my career.

5. Meeting and caring for people from every walk of life imaginable and realizing what a privilege it is, in the big picture, to help heal them.

1. If you're a woman, guys you date ask you when you're going to striptease out of your sexy white dress and white stilettos, in front of them... like ALL the time. More like out of my blue/green pajama scrubs and big floppy clogs.

2. You have to wear pajama scrubs and big floppy clogs every day to work.

3. YOu realize, while your patient is crashing and a code blue begins, how desperately you need to go pee, but now you definitely can't.

4. Having 90 year old men with dementia grab your boobs as you're trying to listen to their lungs.

5. Having people ask you when you're starting medical school. ICK.

1. Gaining weight

2. Always worrying about what the other person is thinking, feeling, yada yada yada..

3. You grow dependent on another person.

4. If your a woman, you're always trying to get your man to talk with you. If your a man, you're constantly wondering when she'll stop trying to constantly talk to you. Haha.

5. Relationships always end, and then you feel destroyed.

.. From dating, that is. I need it, I really do. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round and if I don't get off now, I'll just keep spinning around, seeing the same stuff happening over and over. Okay so I am officially on vacation from dating and men. I am going to focus on being the best cardiac nurse that I can be, saving money for Europe and other future trips, studying for the GRE, learning Spanish, working more, spending time with my dog and friends, and reading more. I need to enjoy one summer without the headache of a HE in my life, adding anxiety and short-lived excitement that always turns into disillusionment. Yay!!!! I feel so free that I've given myself the option of NOT feeling like I need to be with another person AGAIN.
The one thing, and it's a BIG thing, that stresses me out about this is.... my grandma, who has basically told me that I NEED to get married like, oh you know, yesterday. I want to call her, but I cannot stand hearing that same thing from her again. It makes me feel so angry- like nothing that I do matters to her except that I go get a husband, whoever that may be. That is the absolute last thing in the world that I want to talk to her about, but it always becomes the main topic of all our conversations. I just can't take it. I feel anxious and frustrated after our conversations. And I feel incredibly pressured, of course, which is the last thing that I want to feel right now. Why can't I just enjoy my life and be happy and NOT be on the constant search for a husband????? It really breaks my spirit.

Well, I just got off the phone with my friend J-- who is so excited about me going to Italy. Me, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish that she were coming with me!!!! She, of ALL people, should be coming with me!!! She took art history in college, listens to Italian music, and actually has heard of many of the places in Florence that I will be going to. It would be so fun!!!!!!!!!! We could always go later on, though, when her kids are grown or older, at least.
Talking about Florence with her has just really gotten me absolutely thrilled about the trip, even more so than I was earlier. YAY!!!!!! So everything from now till October is going to be all about getting ready for my 2 week Italy/Nyc (possibly) vacation.

Tonight will be a better night. Not everyone can do what nurses do. Many people would crumble trying to do what we do. I just need a better outlook, that damn TheraFlu, and 1 good night this week.

I miss B right now. I know exactly why, too. It's because I am upset about work, and that makes me feel really vulnerable. Oh no.